Sleep tight
I dreamed of my throat being cut.
“As I doze off my brain tells me I’m not going to wake up in the morning. So I panic about not getting to sleep. And when I eventually get there, I have these terrifying dreams.”
Photo by Lux Graves on Unsplash
Wanda experienced a pandemic sleep phenomenon that more people struggled with than you might imagine. In fact, according to a study by the Lyon Neuroscience Research Centre in France, the coronavirus pandemic caused a 35 per cent increase in dream recall among participants, with respondents reporting 15 per cent more negative dreams than usual.
The drastic lifestyle adjustments, chronic stress and health worries caused a perfect storm for our sleep: “I know it hit everyone hard and in different ways but I was living alone and really felt it. Pre-pandemic, I was extroverted and never switched off: if I wasn’t working I’d be going out; I was on it all the time.
“I’ve always had sleep paralysis where I’ve felt a menacing presence in the house in between conscious and subconscious states but this was different. It got worse, to the point where I’d dream of having my throat cut. I knew the danger would be coming but I couldn’t wake up. I’d end up thrashing around trying to scream but nothing came out.”
Stress sends the brain on a trip when we dream. The signals and reactions that produce dreams are similar to those triggered by psychedelic drugs. Couple that with a heightened emotional pandemic state of mind and it’s no wonder Wanda had this extraordinary reaction.
“I’d cry a lot and then force myself to stay awake. It was terrifying and exhausting. And so this terrible sleep pattern started impacting me. I couldn’t get up for work. I was so tired in the mornings, I’d need a pick-me-up just to get going. So I turned to booze. I’d get that first hit and feel chilled for the first time since I’d tried to sleep and I’d want that to continue.
“So I became a functioning alcoholic. Nothing but wine, that was my jam. I’d easily get through two to three bottles a day. I have a huge tolerance; no one ever knew.
“I ballooned massively but no one could see that in lockdown. And I thought the wine was calming me down but actually, it exacerbated the sleep issue and gave me chest problems. This culminated in a severe panic attack where I couldn’t speak on a work call and my heart was going through the roof. I ended the call and rang for help.
“The paramedics arrived and told me my heart rate was resting at 200 beats per minute. I thought I was having a heart attack but they told me there was nothing wrong with my heart. It was a panic attack.
“They asked me what was going on. I had to be honest and they said that alcohol was the agitator.”
Wanda managed to cut out the booze for six weeks but she was still having chest pains. The doctor diagnosed anxiety.
“It freaked me out. The one thing all my friends would say is I’m resilient so this was a real shock. I went to see a counsellor and it transpired that I’d never mentally addressed that my ex cheated on me and broke my trust. Eight weeks of therapy sorted my head out: I cried in the last session because I felt so much better.
“I took a three-month sabbatical and it gave me the time and headspace to reflect. I worked out that I need to spend my time where it adds value to me.
“If something doesn’t bring me value, I ask myself why I’m doing it.
“I’ve found my introverted side. I always liked my own space but I’m so much happier in my own company than ever before. I call it JOMO – the joy of missing out – and now whenever I get slightly stressed I’ll garden or walk my dog and get a lovely sense of calm.
“I always thought mindfulness was bollocks but it’s about giving your brain a break and all those things are a calming influence for me. What I’ve reflected on is I needed to take that time to pause and work myself out. I’m the most comfortable I’ve ever felt in my life today. Long may it continue.”
